The Worst Albums of 2024

For a hater like me, 2024 was a wash. You’re telling me the music was so good this year I had to make a top 50 for both songs and albums? What am I supposed to hate on? I have an agenda to push here! And yet, there was still records that were complete buns, that made me mad at a fundamental and alchemical level. Surprise, surprise, Taylor Swift isn’t #1 this year.

10. Lip Critic - Hex Dealer

Extremely neutered digital hardcore, yuck. Trailing in the wake of Death Grips and Machine Girl like a skid mark.

9. Waxahatchee - Tigers Blood

Insufferable Americana that is fawned over by the absolute Whitest of white critics trying to prove their working-class bona fides. 20 years ago this would’ve been relegated to adult contemporary radio and no one would’ve given a shit.

8. Knocked Loose - You Won't Go Before You're Supposed To

The Troll 2 of metalcore. Unintentionally hilarious with how TikTok tailormade it is, like you can see the reel edits in every breakdown and pause. The perfect encapsulation of mainstream hardcore jumping the shark.

7. Billie Eilish - Hit Me Hard And Soft

True nothing music, soulless “vibes” a la 2010s Arctic Monkeys or Tame Impala. Urban Outfitters should make their own record label.

6. Kanye West & Ty Dolla Sign - Vultures

I would put the second edition except it’s barely a real album, just a barren obligation that Kanye wanted to put his name onto. The first has “CARNIVAL” which is egregious enough by itself so the spot is warranted.

5. Taylor Swift - The Tortured Poets Department

She did it! Not the worst album of the year! It’s still dogshit as expected but in a unexpectedly crowded field it doesn’t take home the gold. The rampant re-releases have fermented a backlash against her, Inshallah it remains.

4. Mustafa the Poet - Dunya

Absolute insipid music somehow given acclaim. Wasn’t the Miranda Sings ukelele gimmick widely mocked, and somehow we have to deal with this shit? Dude this Jack Johnson bit in Arabic must hit so fucking hard if you’re a dumbass.

3. Callahan & Witscher - Think Differently

Voiced my immense displeasure of this album here.

2. Beyoncé - COWBOY CARTER

Just a bland, bloated mess of bullshit from an artist who cannot stop cosplaying other scenes in the corniest ways possible. The “Jolene” rip is terrible and the song with Post Malone might actually be the worst song I’ve ever heard with no exaggeration. For the love of god go back to the B’Day type shit PLEASE.

1. SOPHIE - SOPHIE

Terrible awful evil and so so fucking disgraceful. Benny Long deserves to be put in an Iron Maiden for this abomination, a total betrayal of everything that made SOPHIE great for a quote unquote tribute. “Oh you think you know better than her own brother?” Apparently because in what world does any of this remind you of SOPHIE? It’s a ChatGPT-generated version of her, sewn with useless guest verse on verse and a total lack of any sort of her panache and brilliance.

Last year’s #1 was Travis Scott’s Utopia, a middling album that claimed the spot because of how brazenly disgusting it was he’d try and reclaim the limelight after the Astroworld disaster and not do any self-reflection. With SOPHIE, it’s almost the inverse, a necrotic resurrection of a genius by her brother shamelessly cashing royalty checks in her name.